"I discovered an illicit nightclub in my home town that featured topless mustard jars. For a price, you could take a jar into a back room and stick your finger in it. For a higher price, you could stick your tongue in it."
From the time they were born until the time they died, the folks who lived in that town were told that mustard is sinful. Anybody who had anything to do with mustard usually got into a lot of trouble;' "Including me," Anderson continued. "I remember when I was nine years old my father nearly beat me to death when he caught me in the bath room looking at pictures of mustard in a magazine. I resented that because the mustard was in a jar and the jar had a label on it. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. But my father did, and he beat me with the wrong end of a razor strap. He beat me with the end that was attached to a barber's chair. That nearly killed me, but it didn't deter me from messing around with mustard. Nosiree, Bob.
"When I was a little older, I started sneaking to another town, where I would spend the day in a supermarket and fondle all kinds of mustard containers.
I was particularly attracted to the plastic containers. Squeezing them and making the mustard squirt out the top really turned me on. It even made me squirt a few times.
"A few years later, I discovered an illicit nightclub in my home town that featured topless mustard jars. For a price, you could take a jar into a back room and stick your finger in it. For a higher price, you could stick your tongue in it.
That's what I was doing when the vice squad raided the place and caught me
with my tongue in a jar of Gulden's."
"My picture was in the paper, and I would have been on the evening news, but my home town didn't have an evening.
Anyway, I embarrassed my family and hurt my girl friend real bad. She was so hurt, she got down on her hands and knees and declared herself a cocktail table. Last time I saw her, her back was covered with magazines, ashtrays and coffee stains."
"I should have given up mustard then," Anderson said, "But I didn't Instead, I bought a jar of no-frills mustard and started hustling. Guys who paid to have a party with my mustard in the back seat of their cars. I made enough money to buy a few jars of French's and set up my operation in a hotel Everything was going along fine until the vice squad raided my place, and arrested the mayor, the high school principal and a rabbi for having an orgy with eight Oscar Mayer Weiners covered with Grey's Poupon."
"Instead of sending me to jail the judge sent me to an institution for therapy. A team of psychiatrists there spent four years turning me against mustard and getting me emotionally involved with an unopened bottle of Hunt's Catsup."
"I'm convinced," Anderson concluded, "That mustard is immoral. That's why I will not only dethrone a Miss Black America who associates herself with it, but I will also have her legally declared a suppository .