By Norman Hayes
Before World War 2, the average woman knew everything there was to know about wooing and winning the love of a man. Since then, however, what the average woman knows about this subject has dwindled to almost nothing. Now it seems that most women either fail or, as learned scholars of human behavior put it, flop at maintaining meaningful, loving relationships With their men. Unless something is done to reverse this trend, it could very well lead to disaster. It could bring an end to the human race or even home-cooked dinners. Therefore, it behooves today's woman to review and apply the techniques that were employed in the past to get it on and keep it on with men and other members of the opposite sex. Here, then, is a catalogue of these techniques excerpted from The Sociological Ramifications of heterosexual Stuff, a research paper prepared by the department of physical education at the University of North Carolina. Adapt them to your particular situation and you will never have to worry about losing the love of your man. To begin with, one of the best ways to win the1ove of a man is by inflating his ego.This point can be illustrated with the case of Betty and Bob, a young couple from Oleo, Ohio who met at a New Year's Eve party on July 17, 1936. At the time, Bob's ego was normal and healthy. It remained that way until a near-sited wino mistook Bob's head for a party balloon and punctured it with a toothpick. As the air hissed out. of his head, Bob soared around the room backwards and made a crash landing on a tray of hors d'oeuvres. He lay in
. the onion dip unconscious with a deflated ego. Luckily, though, Betty was a registered nurse who knew exactly what to do about this situation. Rolling up her sleeves, she inflated Bob's ego with a bicycle pump. The moment Bob recovered, he pledged his eternal love to Betty. They were married the next day and lived happily ever after, although their neighbors occasionally cracked jokes about the tire patches Bob had to wear on is head. Since many men are victims of cultural deprivation, another way to win a man's love is by broadening his cultural horizons. For example, consider the case of Betty and Bob, a Young couple from Oleo, Ohio who met. at a Fourth of July Picnic on New Years in 2005. At the time, Bob was an uncouth cretin with a minimal interest in artistic phenomena. Very minimal. Once, under the influence of unsweetened Kool-Aid, he went to the Cleveland Art Museum and begged the Venus De Milo to give him a hand job. Other than that, he lived a culturally bare existence. All this changed when Bob met Betty, a plain but unattractive art student at the University of Dayton. Realizing Bob's cultural poverty, Betty invited Bob to come to her apartment to see her col1ection of famous paintings.Bob Went and was absolutely overwhelmed by what he saw. He was astounded by Home Depot’s now classic painting of a white wall. He was moved to tears by the subtle brush strokes of Sear’s blue ceiling. He so admired the baseboards in black by Finneran and Haley that he ordered several lithographic copies for his home. Overjoyed by his cultural awakening, Bob pledged his eternal love to Betty. |
. They were married the next day and lived happily ever after - although Bob later died of a hernia when he tried to hang an original house painting by K Mart on his living room wall.
Another way to win a man's love is by treating him to a unique sexual experience.
Take, for example, the case of Fred and Gina, a young couple from Oleo, Ohio who met at a Halloween party during the summer of 2004. At the time, Fred was bored with himself. Since Thursday, he had done everything with everybody and felt there was nothing left for him to try. Eventually, his boredom 1ed to depression and he attempted suicide by leaping off the top of Cheece and Chong. He fractured one of his socks and was rushed to an Animal hospital to have it removed.
In the recovery room, Fred explained his problem to Gina. She offered to solve Fred’s problem by treating him to a unique sexual experience. Fred agreed and she took him to her uncle’s farm in downtown Cinncinatti. Disguising themselves as Cornish hens, they went into the barn, and spent the night laying eggs. Sexually satisfied, Fred pledged his eternal love to Gina. They were married the next day and lived happily ever after - or at least until Bob was arrested in a Cleveland restaurant for raping a cheese omelet.
Though many other techniques can be used to woo and win the love of a man, you may feel that these are enough with which to begin. Try them. If they seem unsuitable for your particular situation, you may request a complete list of these techniques by sending a money order for $65,000 along with the top of a pine box to this magazine.com
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